Fear

Today I started the Introduction class at Christian Leaders Institute. I plan on working on it for one hour at least five days a week. I listened to the “Tips for Success” video this morning and found my “trigger”, my weakness, my fear embodied. He said, “Find a mentor. A real person. Someone to talk to.” Aye, there’s the rub. What’s the big deal, you ask? Well, I’m afraid of people, especially ones related to the church. Of course, the problem has a trauma associated with it and I’m hoping these courses might just help me heal that scar up for good.

I fell in love with Jesus at Shoreline Baptist Church about 13 years ago. I attended regular Sunday services. I went to Ladies Bible Study and desert after. I helped at Sunday school from time to time. I was even baptized, for real, in front of God and everybody! And when something terrible happened to me, I turned around for support and there was no one there. The church had let me down. And I was crushed. Something like this may have turned me away from God, blaming Him, but it didn’t. I blamed His children and I haven’t been back since.

Sitting at my kitchen table, listening to the video, I started thinking about it again. It seems ridiculous to be so hurt by a group of people and not trust the church again. Do I not trust that God will do what’s best for me? Ultimately, the betrayal was good for me. I am no longer naïve. Humans do bad things even Christians. They are not to be hated but loved and prayed for in the hopes that we all learn and grow. Maybe I was beginning to fall in love too much with the Church itself and not so much with Jesus and the word of God. In my pain and loneliness, I turned to the bible, study, and prayer. I felt better but alone.

Since then, I’ve always longed to be a part of a church family. I want to go to Sunday service, be a part of what goes on but I just can’t bring myself to go. I don’t want to go alone. I want a friend that already goes there to take me with them. And I have very few friends, let alone in real life ones. So I sit and wait for God to lead me to His children. I have found a small leaf of fellowship since I started working at the pregnancy clinic in town but they all have their own churches and I haven’t been invited. I’m only there once a week. And then I think, what if they did invite me? Would I go? Would I feel overwhelmed by having one more thing to do? What about just going to a women’s bible study instead of service? What about a Wednesday night service instead? I don’t know. I’m scared.

If I could change anything about myself it would be my mistrust or fear of people. I’m constantly worried about social situations, if I’m doing it right, do they think I’m weird. You’d think I’d just stay away but I crave it. I want to be part of the group. I want to belong but when I’m there I feel out of place and desperate to leave. It’s therapy worthy.

Oh well. I’ll keep up with my classes and see where it goes. I’m sure the Lord has got this if it’s His will for me to use this knowledge. The right person or place will show up just when I need it. It always happens that way for me.

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