Journal Entry May 27

This is the next chapter of my story. To read the previous chapter or to start at the beginning, click HERE.

May 27 – Thursday

My husband and I have talked and thought so much about what happened on Tuesday we’re getting sick of it. It seems that my whole concept of justice relies on how this has happened to me and the reasons behind it. It rules my thoughts right now.

I got a lawyer and we have an appointment next week. Having a professional something on my side makes me feel a little better for the moment. I don’t feel so alone.

J fell asleep on the couch for two hours this morning at 10am. T seems so much more tired than usual, but he won’t take a nap of course. So, by the time dinner was ready, they were pretty wild with one being full of energy and the other being over tired. Whose idea was it to have children only a year and half apart?

I counted my change collection today and had $128 so we went to the bank to exchange it for paper money! Since that’s pretty much free money out of nowhere, we went to the toy store and got a Leap Pad and a Hot Wheel’s race track while N was at school. I found N a “flip trac” for her “Beanz” that I can’t wait to give her. I’m not sure who likes these toys more, me or the kids.

May 30 – Sunday

Friday and Saturday went as they usually do. Chasing little boys, a walk to the library, meals, grocery store, baths, naptimes…ahh, the life of a Stay-at-home-Mom. We picked up N from her Mother on Saturday instead of Sunday because we a family gathering to attend!

Today was my husband’s birthday, so we had cake for breakfast and opened the presents that we got for him before I went to church. We have an annual tradition of taking a picture of him with the kids on his birthday. This year’s picture was adorable. Other than this court case looming, it’s been picture perfect around here.

On the way home from church, I started to have a panic attack. I started thinking about these accusations and how they could affect the rest of my life. It all came in on me and I couldn’t breathe. I turned on music and tried to remain calm as I drove. Focusing on each street name, car colors, and other ordinary things helps me a lot.

When I got home I walked in to the boys screaming and crying and still in their pajamas, N playing games on the Xbox, the house a wreck, the trash full, my husband unshowered…I freaked. It was not pretty.

We were supposed to leave for my Dad’s when I got home! I yelled about it and ended up not being able to breathe again. The whole panic attack I felt coming on hit me full force in the face of unexpected delays. I felt like throwing up and it had nothing to do with my family and their lack of planning. I ran out to the yard. I sat on the side of the house sobbing and praying for help for about fifteen minutes.

My family wisely decided to leave me be for a while. I felt like I should wear a sign, “Danger – Do Not Approach the Mom.” Once I felt like I had control of myself, I came back in and D held me close. My poor husband. This must be so hard on him, too, and all I can think of if what I may lose. He was only trying to enjoy his Sunday morning, just like me. He didn’t realize what time it was. I got some big hugs from the kids, lots of pats and kisses. They have no idea what’s going on, only that Mom is very upset. I wish I could tuck it all away so they can’t see it. Thinking that they may be affected by all of this only adds to my anxiety.

I wish I had better coping mechanisms right now. I feel like the medication I’m taking for anxiety is no match for all of this. This jail and trial thing is really nagging at me. Everything I believed about the police and justice and safety is up in the air right now. I am looking at the possibility of losing years of my life! My babies! I can’t stand it. I watch them play and wonder if it is all slipping away from me forever and there is nothing I can do about it.  I can’t make it worse by stepping away from it all and losing the time I have.

So, I sat there with my family and took it all in. I “cried it out a bit” as we have told the kids so many times. When the tears subsided, we quickly got cleaned up and ready to go, packed up the truck and headed to my Dad’s house for the day. We went swimming and had tacos and cake. It was a nice diversion and we came home tired.

Read the next chapter HERE.

What was I thinking?!

This will be a quick post.

For the past year or so, I’ve been repeatedly trying to post here on a daily basis. I do it awhile, maybe a couple weeks, then I start to suffer from a lack of ideas. I stop writing and then I stop posting. The cycle continues.

Yesterday, I sat at my computer trying to think of something profound or at least clever and came up with nothing. I was frustrated. I walked away after about thirty minutes of starting a sentence, erasing it, and starting another sentence, searching through my notes and coming up with nothing.

This morning it hit me. This is crazy. I give myself about thirty to sixty minutes a day at the computer writing and then I expect to post something useful at the end of each of those sessions? Really? That’s ridiculous.

I’m changing my strategy starting right now. I’ve rearranged a couple things on my day’s schedule so I can work on writing in the morning before I go to work. That writing will focus on my story and that’s it. I’ll write, read, and re-write all week long and post what I have finished at the end of the week.

The story! That’s what is important to me right now. I want to get that story out into the world before I forget or gloss over one more feeling.

Refocus, rearrange, make new plans. Try a little. Wait. See what happens. The story of my life.

Journal Entry – May 26

This is the next chapter of my story. To read the previous chapter or to start at the beginning, click HERE.

Journal Entry – May 26

What an awesome God we have! I know His peace was with me yesterday in jail and He has brought so many loving and helpful people into our lives today.

I am scheduled to appear in court on June 22. I can’t believe I have to wait that long with this hanging over my head, but at least we don’t have to feel like we’re rushing to get a lawyer. Maybe when we talk with him, it will all be cleared up and be over.

I talked to my pastor today and told him what happened. He was shocked of course. Strange to sit there and tell him the story. I felt like I was telling him about a TV show I watched. He thinks one of the deacons of our church may be able to help me. I’m going to call him tomorrow.

Mom called a friend and got a number for a good lawyer. A criminal defense lawyer! Never in my life… My uncle knows another good lawyer from his work in case the first one doesn’t want my case, and he’s offered money to help. L from our playgroup was a parole officer and is going to see how she can help.

People are coming out of the woodwork to help. It’s truly a blessing and I just keep thanking God for it all. I’m not sure what we do if it weren’t for our friends and family.

My husband took his daughter to school this morning. I don’t think she realizes that I went to jail, at least I hope not. She wasn’t there when I was arrested. I just keep praying she doesn’t say something to her mother. I can’t imagine what she would think or what she would do. I mean, I know what I’d do if my ex-husband’s wife was accused of armed robbery and car-jacking! I wouldn’t want my child there until it was proven not to be true. I’d hate for this to interrupt my husband’s relationship with his daughter. Man, what a mess.

Our playgroup (the one we meet with every week) has been planning a group dinner at Goofy’s Kitchen tonight for over a month. We recycled cans and had a big yard sale to raise money, so we could all go together. After yesterday’s nightmare and the uncertainty looming over me, I wasn’t sure I was going to go. My sons had a different idea about that. They may be young, but things like this don’t get by kids. “Mommy’s having a crisis” was not going to get me out of it. I’m glad we went, though. It was loud, riotous, and totally fun! It was exactly what I needed. And we got the greatest picture of all of us to remember it by!

The boys were extra weird before we went to the restaurant today. Jake won’t let me out of his sight. He starts crying the second I leave the room. And Tom keeps asking where the bad guys are. He doesn’t want to go in Grandma’s room because he thinks the police were looking for bad guys there.

Sitting here in my rocking chair, writing this while waiting for them to go to sleep, it’s all still so unreal. Can this actually be happening?  Lord, let this be over quickly and not ruin us.

Read the next chapter HERE.

Bringing About Peace

I’m reading “Crime & Punishment” and loving it! It’s been on my list for awhile and when I happened to see it on the shelf at the book store, translated by Pevear and Volokhonsky, I had to buy it and put it next on my list. I have not been disappointed. It’s like a really long Columbo!

“He knows something!”
“Oh, ok, that’s all you know.”
“He’s a fool.”
“Oh, wait, one more question.”

It’s so awesome. I wish I had more time to read it but this way at least I’m savoring it instead of binge reading.

Something interesting came up about socialism in it, of course. Here’s the line. “I’ll show you their books: with them one is always a ‘victim of the environment’ – nothing else! Their favorite phrase! Hence directly that if society itself is normally set up, all crimes will at once disappear, because there will be no reason for protesting and everyone will instantly become righteous.”

In some ways that is true. Some things happen in a society that create a criminal. I’m thinking of “Les Miserables” when Val Jean is so poor and hungry that he steals a loaf of bread to feed his sister’s child. He goes to jail and when he comes out, he cannot get work because he’s been in jail. I really wonder what the point of that is. Isn’t jail both a deterrent to crime and rehabilitation? Anyway, the point is that if society were not so cruel he would not have needed to steal to survive. Our survival instinct is very strong.

But that doesn’t mean that if everyone had equal things, everyone would stop stealing. Just like if we take away all the guns, no one would get killed anymore. Some would, but some would want more and steal and kill to get it. Some would steal for the thrill of it. And some would steal and kill because they have something wrong with them and cannot control themselves.

The paragraph made me think of my husband when he says sarcastically “Just one more law and everything will be perfect.” I can’t believe anyone actually believes that, but I know many people act in that way. If we just give the government a little more money and a little more power, they will fix everything. And that reminds me of an elementary student government election, “Vote for me and we’ll have chocolate milk at lunch every day and no homework ever!”

Parenting Angst

The teenagers think they have the market cornered on angst, that “Holy cow…I have no idea what I’m doing and every decision I make could change my life (and someone else’s life) forever. I think I’ll just sit here and do nothing instead.” feeling. They are so wrong.

Raising children has turned out to be infinitely more difficult than I ever thought it would be…still. You’d think that if you did it “right,” no one would ever cry or be upset, nothing would be difficult to do with the right motivation, skills, and a big pile of patience. It’s just not the case. Sometimes, many times, the right thing to do hurts. And the wrong thing hurts too. It’s just different, and after all these years of living you’d think I would be well aware of the difference. You’d think that I’d feel like a grown up and know what I’m doing.

It turns out that this place we call reality is deeply flawed. Bad things happen, we have adverse reactions, we are unhappy, even if we do everything we believe is right. Good things happen, too, even when we do what is wrong from time to time! I find that over time it all evens out to a general happy satisfaction, even if one moment you feel completely lost and terrified.

Right now, I’m down in one of the low, uncertain parts of life. What will happen? Where are we going? Have I done all I can? Can I fix something now, this late in the game? Is this my fault? What will we do next? I’ve felt it before. My Spock mind reminds me that we’ve gone through this and that if I just chill, be kind, and love, it will turn out how it’s supposed to, good or bad, and we can react when it comes to fruition. But the Barclay in me is having a screaming “What if?!” tantrum at the same time.