This is the next chapter of my story. To read the previous chapter or to start at the beginning, click HERE.
May 27 – Thursday
My husband and I have talked and thought so much about what happened on Tuesday we’re getting sick of it. It seems that my whole concept of justice relies on how this has happened to me and the reasons behind it. It rules my thoughts right now.
I got a lawyer and we have an appointment next week. Having a professional something on my side makes me feel a little better for the moment. I don’t feel so alone.
J fell asleep on the couch for two hours this morning at 10am. T seems so much more tired than usual, but he won’t take a nap of course. So, by the time dinner was ready, they were pretty wild with one being full of energy and the other being over tired. Whose idea was it to have children only a year and half apart?
I counted my change collection today and had $128 so we went to the bank to exchange it for paper money! Since that’s pretty much free money out of nowhere, we went to the toy store and got a Leap Pad and a Hot Wheel’s race track while N was at school. I found N a “flip trac” for her “Beanz” that I can’t wait to give her. I’m not sure who likes these toys more, me or the kids.
May 30 – Sunday
Friday and Saturday went as they usually do. Chasing little boys, a walk to the library, meals, grocery store, baths, naptimes…ahh, the life of a Stay-at-home-Mom. We picked up N from her Mother on Saturday instead of Sunday because we a family gathering to attend!
Today was my husband’s birthday, so we had cake for breakfast and opened the presents that we got for him before I went to church. We have an annual tradition of taking a picture of him with the kids on his birthday. This year’s picture was adorable. Other than this court case looming, it’s been picture perfect around here.
On the way home from church, I started to have a panic attack. I started thinking about these accusations and how they could affect the rest of my life. It all came in on me and I couldn’t breathe. I turned on music and tried to remain calm as I drove. Focusing on each street name, car colors, and other ordinary things helps me a lot.
When I got home I walked in to the boys screaming and crying and still in their pajamas, N playing games on the Xbox, the house a wreck, the trash full, my husband unshowered…I freaked. It was not pretty.
We were supposed to leave for my Dad’s when I got home! I yelled about it and ended up not being able to breathe again. The whole panic attack I felt coming on hit me full force in the face of unexpected delays. I felt like throwing up and it had nothing to do with my family and their lack of planning. I ran out to the yard. I sat on the side of the house sobbing and praying for help for about fifteen minutes.
My family wisely decided to leave me be for a while. I felt like I should wear a sign, “Danger – Do Not Approach the Mom.” Once I felt like I had control of myself, I came back in and D held me close. My poor husband. This must be so hard on him, too, and all I can think of if what I may lose. He was only trying to enjoy his Sunday morning, just like me. He didn’t realize what time it was. I got some big hugs from the kids, lots of pats and kisses. They have no idea what’s going on, only that Mom is very upset. I wish I could tuck it all away so they can’t see it. Thinking that they may be affected by all of this only adds to my anxiety.
I wish I had better coping mechanisms right now. I feel like the medication I’m taking for anxiety is no match for all of this. This jail and trial thing is really nagging at me. Everything I believed about the police and justice and safety is up in the air right now. I am looking at the possibility of losing years of my life! My babies! I can’t stand it. I watch them play and wonder if it is all slipping away from me forever and there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t make it worse by stepping away from it all and losing the time I have.
So, I sat there with my family and took it all in. I “cried it out a bit” as we have told the kids so many times. When the tears subsided, we quickly got cleaned up and ready to go, packed up the truck and headed to my Dad’s house for the day. We went swimming and had tacos and cake. It was a nice diversion and we came home tired.
Read the next chapter HERE.