Sick

It figures. I set aside a week to get things done at home and that’s the week I get sick. It’s a conspiracy!

We are the experts in last minute plans and this past weekend was no exception! My son remembered on Friday that he wanted to go to the Boysenberry Festival at Knott’s and, of course, this is the last weekend of it! We asked if anyone else wanted to go but my husband wasn’t interested in spending $100 to eat berry themed food and my other son said he’d rather not brave the crowds. So he bought tickets for the two of us and we headed into the city on Saturday morning.

It was a great day. It’s been a long time since he and I spent the whole day doing something together. He said it reminded him of “one at a time Disneyland” when he was little. When we lived across the street from Disneyland, we used to go all the time, but it was super special when I would take just one of them. They got to be the boss of the day and not have to share anything!

One thing…I have never seen the park so crowded as it was that day. We knew it would be busy but this was crazy. I’ve always had a hard time dealing with Knott’s and its inefficiency at moving people. The ride lines are always long and food lines…sheesh. If there are two or three people in line for a coke, it’ll take twenty minutes. Makes me crazy. This day didn’t disappoint. It was worse than expected and guess what? We had a great time anyway. Just goes to show you, it’s your attitude that ruins it, not the crowd.

We were there for about nine hours. I think we only sat down a total of twenty minutes. We went on four rides and saw a couple shows. We got the “taster” card and got one of everything they had! All of it was good. Some of it was silly: boysenberry mashed potatoes. And some of it was amazing: boysenberry sausage and relish. We went back for seconds on that!

Here’s my favorite picture from the day:

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We picked up a pie for the rest of the family and headed home satisfyingly exhausted.

In other news, I started this book yesterday.

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So far so good. Because of it, I’ve added six new books to my reading list. Thanks!

What else? Oh, yes, I’m still sick. It’s just a nasty cold, but it makes me so tired and I can’t even read. I spent most of the last two days asleep on the couch or watching TV. Yesterday was good though because I got to watch the movie, “The Bookshop” which I’ve been meaning to see. It’s not a movie “of general interest” so I’d been waiting for a day I was home alone to see it. It did not disappoint!

My experiment with staying off of Facebook during the week is going great. I do share things like blog posts, articles, and podcasts, but I don’t go back to see comments or scroll through the feed until Friday afternoon for a little bit. I shared our Knott’s adventures as we went, but I didn’t go back to see comments until the next day. It is really helping me “stay in the moment.” I find myself wasting way too much time and mental energy on people that aren’t even in my close circle when I constantly check in there.

I’d like to write more about that. Facebook and I have a love/hate relationship that I’ve been seriously re-thinking lately. Maybe I’ll spend some time writing that out tomorrow. Today? I’m off for a snack and to get the laundry!

Change of Story

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This blog has evolved a few times over the years and today it will be evolving again!

It’s Spring in the desert and I’ve decided to try something new, or really to go back and try something again.

When my children were little, BF (before facebook), I kept a daily blog. It was a journal of the day with a few pictures thrown in. I printed those and keep them similar to the scrapbooks I kept when I was in high school and college, before the interent, digital cameras, and social media.

The experiment begins. Can I write here on a daily basis, or at least several times a week, and keep a loving record of my life? Will I be happy with it? Let’s see.

What’s Your Thing?

Do you have a passion for something? Something that you do really well? Something that you think about constantly? A thing that you live to do?

I’ve grown up hearing people ask about that. At every stage of my life I’ve heard people on tv, writing articles and books, and now podcasters and social media gurus, droning on about finding your niche, your passion, your thing that sets you apart. “That’s where you’ll fit in perfectly! If you can make a career out of it, you’ll be the happiest person!”

So, what’s mine? Reading my blog, scrolling through my social media feeds, looking around my house, you probably wouldn’t be able to guess it. I’ve always felt a bit uninspired on the “passion” front.

When I was a kid, getting some friends and playing was the goal. When I was a teen, I focused on, well, honestly, getting any boy to chase me. And then I kind of fell into theater work, sets and stages, lights. I went to work in that field and did well. Then I got married and had some kids and raised them. I have things I like to do. I can sew a bit, knit, make soap. I read a lot. I love to read. I’m not a big people person, but I do like people watching. I like to go out and do things, but generally I’d rather do it anonymously with my favorite person or two.

But today, it hit me.

I have a passion for being in this world among the people I love. It’s simple really. I am truly passionate about being, that’s it. And that’s what I write about. When I find something interesting, I write about it. When I find something that works for me, I write about it. When I’m confused, angry, or frustrated, I write about that too.

What’s your passion?

Sick Of “Community”

Community. I hear that word every day. I see it in print. I hear people talk about it online and on TV.

“Get involved in your community!”
“Everyone should have a community of people they rely on!”
“Know what’s going on in your community!”
“Community brings people together!”

Ugg…I’m tired of hearing it and tired of trying to make it work for me only because that’s what everyone says is important.

I want to be a part of community in some sense. I enjoy the company of friends from time to time. I like having people to invite over for a BBQ, but is that community or just friends?

What about the past? I’m looking at rural farmers and fur traders, people that lived pretty isolated and only came together in groups a couple times a year at most. Were they lacking in community?

I’ve always had a hard time finding my people. It’s me, not the people. I just don’t feel like I really fit in. The more I try to work in a group, the more frustrated I become. I end up not helping the group or myself. It all seems so futile. Then I started thinking…maybe not everyone works well in groups!

Maybe being alone more will help me focus and create. Maybe, for me, Monday’s here, Wednesday’s here, Saturday’s there, volunteer at this, help this cause, etc., is just too much for me and I lose myself in it.

I’ve never been physically alone for an extended amount of time. The longest in recent years has been a three-hour stint sitting in the car waiting for my son. I read a lot. What would happen if I were alone for a whole 24 hours? 48? I’d like to experiment with that idea in the near future.

Honestly…

So…I thought I’d sit here and write something…still trying to get thirty minutes of writing anything every day but failing on a regular basis. I’m so distracted! My son messaged me right as I sat down to do this, so I answered and then scrolled FB for a couple minutes, commented on a post, searched for an airport job and passed along an idea. I have to go the bathroom and now my stomach is growling. Screw it.

Ok, I’m back I found something in the back of my brain, something that’s been bugging me for a long time. Why can we not be more honest with each other?

And…my husband is talking on the phone. Every time I sit to write, something interrupts me. This happens at work as well. Every time I hear someone talking, my mind focuses on that voice and tries to understand what’s happening. It makes me crazy. It interrupts my train of thought and I have to keep reorganizing my other thoughts. Ugg. Ear plugs!!

The excuse I usually hear when I ask this question is that when we’re honest sometimes people get hurt. And that’s valid in some instances. I shouldn’t tell my husband that his breathing annoys me. There’s nothing he can do about it and it only hurts his feelings.

Ear plugs aren’t working…he’s so loud…I shut the door. Perfect! I’m all alone in my brain.

But there are perfectly valid reasons to be honest with people on most things. I may love going to Disneyland, but not all my friends do. If I invite someone to go with me, I’d much rather they answer that they don’t like going and would rather do something else, than to just ignore my offer or go anyway and be a complete drag. There’s no need to be weird the next time I ask you to do something. It’s like “Oh, this person doesn’t like to do the thing I love to do. We can’t be friends now.”

This is going nowhere. No one wants to read this shit. Everyone knows we should be more honest with each other. Why bother writing another word about it?

I really do wonder why people aren’t more honest with themselves more than anything else. I mean if you enjoy something, why not just enjoy it? Why do we have to beat ourselves up over loving chocolate, a good TV show, or just great sex? Why guilt ourselves out of our joys?

If I’m irritated about nothing and just feeling like I’m angry at the world, why not just say so? Why do we come up with excuses? Yes, my love, I’m just pissed at the world and you happen to be in my path. I could really use a hug or just someone to complain to.

And when someone says no to you, it’s not a reflection on you personally. They just don’t want to. Can’t we just respect someone else’s preferences and move on with our lives?

Could I Be Losing My Mind?

I find the Christian image of God as a perfect father an intriguing idea, one I return to over and over again in my thoughts. I know some people get bent out of shape at the suggestion, but it comforts me. I think the ones that don’t like it are the ones that are looking at flawed human fathers and projecting that image onto God, instead of looking at the way the bible describes Him and trying to emulate that idea.

Ugg…I have an idea rolling around in my head while I do the dishes and I tell myself, “Self. You need to finish the dishes and then go spend some time writing that out. I bet it’s going to be fantastic.” I finish, sit down to write, tap out one paragraph and get lost. Nothing. Not a shred of inspiration. Is it gone or just incomplete?  If I sit here and keep typing, will it form up and become more solid?

It bugs me. I flip to Facebook and scroll for a few minutes desperately wanting to type “F…! I just can’t!” and then I can spend the rest of the afternoon coming back to see the influx of crazy comments I get. That sounds productive, right?

“Oh, don’t worry! Every day can’t be productive.” Yes, I realize that but I’m not productive on any day. I take that back. I’m productive at reading a book, watering the yard, cleaning the house, doing the laundry. I’m just not productive with anything I really want to do, like write a new post. I’m frustrated with myself.

Earlier this week I decided I’d spend thirty minutes a day working on my book and thirty minutes writing anything. So here I am trying to fill the thirty minutes I promised myself I would write for. It makes me crazy. What am I even here to write about? This blog seems random. There’s no unity to it other than pretty much a perfect reflection of my thinking without the curse words, like a squirrel brain on drugs. Maybe that’s the whole point? Maybe that’s exactly where I need to be right now, just floating? <bangs table in frustration>

So…God the Father. A perfect father doesn’t reject you when you aren’t what he wants you to be, if you make mistakes, or even willfully disobey. He may have a problem with you turning your back on a him and yelling “You’re not my Dad!” but when you change your heart and turn back, he’s still there. He may have a list of rules that he knows will make your life easier and more perfect, but he is well aware of your limitations.

Do I have scripture to back that up? No. That’s one of the things I’ve not mastered, remembering where I read something in the bible and quoting. It would probably help if I spent more time studying my bible but reading it every morning doesn’t really help me at all. It’s gone the minute I close the book. I do enjoy bible studies where I have to answer questions and write out my thoughts. Maybe I’ll find a new one of those. You know, because I don’t already have 800 things to do each day! Then again, priorities, right?